In the day 2 of "Secrets of
A Man's Heart", I want to share to you 2 letters that I've written in
different timelines of my life - the
first one is for myself and the other one is for God -but same struggle. The
truth is when we are not fully Spiritual, we are always enslave in the tragic
mixture of both living in the flesh and in the Spirit. Many wouldn't believe
me, but that is always been my struggle as a carnal Christian - the suffocating
emotions that always thought of dying, the struggle of finding for affection
and love for others and for that one and only person whom God said to be your
perfect will, the unhealthy eating habits and obsession of weight, the idolatry
for dramas, the envy towards the life of others, the comparison, the fear of
failure, the lack of self confidence, the unhealthy reading of errotic books,
the unforgiving heart, the self acclaimed person who always think she's great,
dark imaginings, day dreamings, lack of trust towards God, cursing, foolish and
green jokings, judgmental attitude and many more things that were and still are
shameful and disrecpectful to God.. As I am writing this, I am more becoming a
filthy rug in front of God.
However, the real deal here is,
it could also be you and your struggle, but the Lord's love is immeasurable,
and His grace abounds us all for the true message of God reveals to us the
secrets of our hearts (1 Corinthians 14:25) and if we confess our sins, He is
faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John
1:9).
First Letter:
12.17.17
I
know exactly how you'd been Madz. When you're upset, you always eat what you
want for no reason - that as if the peace that you are craving for can be
filled by the food that you are eating - that as if when your stomach is full
enough, you could slightly forget the
void and boredom in your heart.
Ara!
I know! I know who you are or how you feel- that after eating, you regret it
later because every time you are looking in the mirror, you get obsessed with
your weight, and you get frustrated by your bloated figure. Because that's how
it always had been. You can't just simply accept the person inside. That person
in the picture s someone you always resent. I know. I know it well , because i
am you - the depressed and confuse and insecure girl again. But i want to get
out of this and forget you.
Second Letter:
11.05.18,
Monday
Dear
God,
I
know that I'd been stubborn throughout the years. I don't like being with
people, and I hate people wasting their lives, but here I am not noticing that
I am also wasting my life because I am always slacking off - doing nothing
worthy. I always ask you why I am on the
bench while everyone are on the race. I thought that I can do all things but
ends up not accomplishing anything.
In
spite of me being depressed and anxious, you always extends your loving arms
for me and shown me grace. Though many times i feel like dying, you let me go
into a Bible school for a month and let me learn your ways and met reliable
people of faith. Then I'd fallen astray again but you open up opportunity,
again.
Lord,
do you know my dream? I always dreamt of myself talking to many people and pointing
them all to Christ. I dreamt of me writing books of faith, love and hope. I
want to inspire people to dream big again and use their gifts to minister to
others.
I
also dreamt to experience other culture and learn how to share Jesus to people
from different races and ethnicities. I dreamt of being admitted to ORU myself
and wait for what you stored for me.
I
dreamt of mama, ate and Tito Ed, ate Jillian, Kuya Ipe an Ivan serving God and
enjoying the benefits and privileges of living for God.
I
also want to marry a great man of faith one day that loves Jesus more than he
loves me, who loves my family and children not his own for i want to adopt kids
without parents one day. I want him to be a brother like figure for me who can
be a great father to the family.
Lord,
help me to love you more. I love you. Amen!
-love,
Madellene
I believe, a part of me refuse to
heal, when i am supposed to repent wholly to God, thus hearing this story of
struggle from me today.
There is still a little fan girl
in the very depth of my heart- a girl that desires for outward beauty, ideals
and perfection. At the back of it is a child full of fears, anxiety, boredom
and loneliness who always craves for affection, human connection and happiness.
Another side of that is a woman who wants to be ahead of her career and wants
to be successful. But it contradicts another personality who wants to be free from
corporate pressure and wants to experience the peace of nature and wants to
travel alone. But the spiritual me wants to be a missionary and help other
people while pointing them to God.
These loops of emotions
contradicts the Christian belief that i am trying to live my life with.
In my heart, I still want to look
and watch at lives of people from afar and dreaming for them to completely live
that life happily and perfect, and also for me to have that kind of life.
I believe, I am abusing God,
myself and others because of my lukewarmness of faith – half-carnal, half
spiritual.
A part of me also dreams of a perfect
love and perfect life- a career that requires me to enjoy, not concealing my
free spirited love of nature and my aloofness, laughter and joy - not being in
an office space forever.
I love people but not to the
point of fully opening my heart to them. I love them in my own little way.
As I am writing this today, I am
just finished crying as I succumb to my empty room. These were all a wrong concept
of Christianity. These different emotions came from the flesh, but the word of
God says, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the lust of flesh. The
fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:16,22-23). Any contrary
of those is missing the standard of God, which is Christ, thus we fall short
and the Bible declares that no one is righteous and for all have sinned and
fall short from the glory of God (Romans 3:10,23)
What must we do then? The very
first preaching of Jesus is this, "Repent , for the Kingdom of heaven is
near (Matthew 4:17)
All secrets of our sinful heart
are not glorifying to God. We must repent and fully abstain from these things
that not only hurts us, but all the more hurts God. Repentance is not just
abstaining from sin but also changing feeling towards sin.
My prayer, at the end is that for
me and you to recognize our specific sins and believe God's grace, love and
mercy. Ask Jesus for guidance with His Spirit. God bless us all!
Love,
Madellene
Let's Talk About Your Struggle
1. Are you also struggling for your unruly emotions? How does this unruly emotions affects your physical aspects? mental? emotional? Spiritual?
2. During this struggles of your life, have you ever think on clinging to Jesus or to other people who have a reliable faith? If not, what hinders you to do it?
~
Psst. . . I've written a book "Practical Approach to Christianity Volume 1: To Beginner Christians". Good news is I want to give a free copy for you together with the first ever launch Newsletter of My Christian Identity - My Profound Tower. Just comment your answers to above question from this post I will email a copy straight to your inbox. Happy reading =)
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